God is good. All the time.

Today, February 18^th, 2016, was the date I was supposed to be able to hold Titus, our son. Today is my due date and though it’s been months, it still feels like yesterday. I originally wrote this as my testimony for my Awana girls, and felt I ought to share it, perhaps there are others struggling, like me. Or perhaps it will give you a better idea how to pray for our family. It’s not written well but it’s my journey. 

September 7^th, 2015. It was my birthday and I was able to sneak out while the kids were napping and Travis worked around the house, to spend a gift card. I went and bought my first maternity pants of this, my 6^th, pregnancy. I was 17 weeks, 4 months, along. We’d get to meet our little baby in 3 weeks on ultrasound.  I was happy. 

The next day I went in for a normal, routine OB appointment. It was supposed to be like so many others I’d been to. Listen to the heartbeat, measure my belly, send me on my way. This Tuesday, my doctor had a hard time finding the heartbeat. It didn’t worry me because all my kids had been hiders and this had happened before- no problem. We walked to the ultrasound room, and my doctor put the ultrasound on my belly. Her face changed and my world exploded. We’d lost our son. 

The rest of the day was a blur. From telling my husband, to scheduling to deliver the next day at the hospital. I didn’t feel much and I felt everything at the same time. My husband and I cried. Hard. We prayed for a miracle, that the doctor had been wrong, that our baby would still be there. Surely we wouldn’t lose another one. 

The next day we went to the hospital and I delivered a perfect little baby boy. We named him Titus. The whole time in the hospital, through delivery and holding Titus, the only thing running through my head was the song, “God is good, all the time. He put a song of praise in this heart of mine. God is good. He’s so good, all the time”.  There is NO way I would have picked that song for that moment in our lives. If anything I’d have picked something dark, angry and hurt. But I know that God truly did put that song in my head, and Travis and I sang it as I delivered. 

The next few days were filled with family and friends comforting us, planning  a funeral and buying a 19 inch coffin, something no parent, no human, should ever have to do. 

At this point, the world would say I had every right to be angry at God. That I had every right to blame Him and what He had done, or allowed to happen, was wrong. I even had some family and a friend ask some very pointed questions about God and His purpose, questioning His sovereignty and my refusal to be angry. One person even said that I was too deep in my grief to get good and mad, and soon I’d find my way to be angry at God. But I didn’t. 

With the help of some wise women in the church I was able to answer these questions for myself and for them with the Bible. The thing that one woman said to me was, the Bible has some hard truths. If you believe Jesus saves, as the Bible says, then you have to believe that rest of it. To believe in His sovereignty and power, His love and goodness.  

Does God care about this? Did He know this was going to happen? Surely a good God wouldn’t do this. He must not care, know or be able to prevent it.

Well, Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  God does know what will happen to me. He knows and He has a plan. This wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t out of His control.

He knew Titus was going to join Him before we’d get to meet him. He knew Titus’s days were numbered shorter than Travis and I would have liked.

Psalm 139: 13-16 ¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

So then, He must not care. Maybe He’s an apathetic God, that sits on His throne. But in Matthew 10:29-31 ²⁹ Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?^[a] And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. ³⁰ But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.  He loves us. He sent His son for us. We are of worth to Him. 

But that doesn’t make sense, why? Surely if He’s a loving God, who cares, and has plans, why would He allow this? Answer. I don’t know. But I know He does have  a plan. In Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.⁹ For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  

And  my comfort stone verse, Romans 8:28  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. The Bible doesn’t say God works most things, or some things or the little things or the big things. It says ALL things. If you believe the Bible, then this is also true. I both hate and love those 100% words. They are hard to swallow that my loving God allowed Titus to slip away, but the truth is, I don’t get to pick and choose my promises from the Bible. If I do, then I am creating a god of my own making, a god only able to help me as much as I am able. A god that is fallible and human. A god not worth serving. The God of the Bible, of promises, is a God worth serving. 

So, we are pregnant again. It makes today so much harder than I thought. People have said, “Well, at least you have a new life to hold on to.” And  in my fear and anxiety I wonder, “Do I?” I wasn’t high risk and there was no available medical reason for our loss. How do I know this time it will be ok? I cling to two verses: 2 Timothy 2:7 -  for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

And my other cornerstone verse aside from Romans, Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  What I love here, are the 100% words. Pray to God and you will have peave. Notice it doesn’t say He will give you what you want. It doesn’t say that it will turn out like my plans say it will. It says “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This is what gets me through each day. I know that I am receiving His peace, there is no other explanation for the ability to even think of having another baby. I know that, daily, I claim these verses and I feel His promise. 

Do I know what God is doing, why this happened or even what the eternal outcome will be? No. Do I understand His ways in allowing this to happen? No. What I do know is simple, because I am saved, and I believe the Bible, I can believe what it says. I know God loves me, has a plan, is omniscient, omnipotent, and will carry me through. I know that God has a plan for my life, and He wants what is best for me and my family. I know He will not expect me to do more than He gives me power to do. I know I can’t do anything without Him and I know to God be the glory. I know God is good. All the time.