God is good. All the time.

Today, February 18^th, 2016, was the date I was supposed to be able to hold Titus, our son. Today is my due date and though it’s been months, it still feels like yesterday. I originally wrote this as my testimony for my Awana girls, and felt I ought to share it, perhaps there are others struggling, like me. Or perhaps it will give you a better idea how to pray for our family. It’s not written well but it’s my journey. 

September 7^th, 2015. It was my birthday and I was able to sneak out while the kids were napping and Travis worked around the house, to spend a gift card. I went and bought my first maternity pants of this, my 6^th, pregnancy. I was 17 weeks, 4 months, along. We’d get to meet our little baby in 3 weeks on ultrasound.  I was happy. 

The next day I went in for a normal, routine OB appointment. It was supposed to be like so many others I’d been to. Listen to the heartbeat, measure my belly, send me on my way. This Tuesday, my doctor had a hard time finding the heartbeat. It didn’t worry me because all my kids had been hiders and this had happened before- no problem. We walked to the ultrasound room, and my doctor put the ultrasound on my belly. Her face changed and my world exploded. We’d lost our son. 

The rest of the day was a blur. From telling my husband, to scheduling to deliver the next day at the hospital. I didn’t feel much and I felt everything at the same time. My husband and I cried. Hard. We prayed for a miracle, that the doctor had been wrong, that our baby would still be there. Surely we wouldn’t lose another one. 

The next day we went to the hospital and I delivered a perfect little baby boy. We named him Titus. The whole time in the hospital, through delivery and holding Titus, the only thing running through my head was the song, “God is good, all the time. He put a song of praise in this heart of mine. God is good. He’s so good, all the time”.  There is NO way I would have picked that song for that moment in our lives. If anything I’d have picked something dark, angry and hurt. But I know that God truly did put that song in my head, and Travis and I sang it as I delivered. 

The next few days were filled with family and friends comforting us, planning  a funeral and buying a 19 inch coffin, something no parent, no human, should ever have to do. 

At this point, the world would say I had every right to be angry at God. That I had every right to blame Him and what He had done, or allowed to happen, was wrong. I even had some family and a friend ask some very pointed questions about God and His purpose, questioning His sovereignty and my refusal to be angry. One person even said that I was too deep in my grief to get good and mad, and soon I’d find my way to be angry at God. But I didn’t. 

With the help of some wise women in the church I was able to answer these questions for myself and for them with the Bible. The thing that one woman said to me was, the Bible has some hard truths. If you believe Jesus saves, as the Bible says, then you have to believe that rest of it. To believe in His sovereignty and power, His love and goodness.  

Does God care about this? Did He know this was going to happen? Surely a good God wouldn’t do this. He must not care, know or be able to prevent it.

Well, Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  God does know what will happen to me. He knows and He has a plan. This wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t out of His control.

He knew Titus was going to join Him before we’d get to meet him. He knew Titus’s days were numbered shorter than Travis and I would have liked.

Psalm 139: 13-16 ¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.^[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

So then, He must not care. Maybe He’s an apathetic God, that sits on His throne. But in Matthew 10:29-31 ²⁹ Are not two sparrows sold for a penny?^[a] And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. ³⁰ But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. ³¹ Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.  He loves us. He sent His son for us. We are of worth to Him. 

But that doesn’t make sense, why? Surely if He’s a loving God, who cares, and has plans, why would He allow this? Answer. I don’t know. But I know He does have  a plan. In Isaiah 55:8-9 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.⁹ For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.  

And  my comfort stone verse, Romans 8:28  And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. The Bible doesn’t say God works most things, or some things or the little things or the big things. It says ALL things. If you believe the Bible, then this is also true. I both hate and love those 100% words. They are hard to swallow that my loving God allowed Titus to slip away, but the truth is, I don’t get to pick and choose my promises from the Bible. If I do, then I am creating a god of my own making, a god only able to help me as much as I am able. A god that is fallible and human. A god not worth serving. The God of the Bible, of promises, is a God worth serving. 

So, we are pregnant again. It makes today so much harder than I thought. People have said, “Well, at least you have a new life to hold on to.” And  in my fear and anxiety I wonder, “Do I?” I wasn’t high risk and there was no available medical reason for our loss. How do I know this time it will be ok? I cling to two verses: 2 Timothy 2:7 -  for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

And my other cornerstone verse aside from Romans, Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  What I love here, are the 100% words. Pray to God and you will have peave. Notice it doesn’t say He will give you what you want. It doesn’t say that it will turn out like my plans say it will. It says “And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” This is what gets me through each day. I know that I am receiving His peace, there is no other explanation for the ability to even think of having another baby. I know that, daily, I claim these verses and I feel His promise. 

Do I know what God is doing, why this happened or even what the eternal outcome will be? No. Do I understand His ways in allowing this to happen? No. What I do know is simple, because I am saved, and I believe the Bible, I can believe what it says. I know God loves me, has a plan, is omniscient, omnipotent, and will carry me through. I know that God has a plan for my life, and He wants what is best for me and my family. I know He will not expect me to do more than He gives me power to do. I know I can’t do anything without Him and I know to God be the glory. I know God is good. All the time.

Leaping from my comfort zone

My family can attest to the fact that I am NOT an outgoing, gregarious person to people that I don't know. I would refuse to go in a by milk by myself from the Piggly Wiggly in high school because it made me uncomfortable. I made  a few close friends, but was never that kid that befriends everyone. To this day it takes a conscious effort for me to reach out and invite others to play dates, invite other moms out to eat lunch or shop, attend social parties, and just overall get out of my comfort zone and interact with those I don't know, or situations I can't control. I have been working very hard, since moving to my current hometown, to make friends, make play dates, and overall get over myself and my fear of man.

Fear of man? Yes. My issue with getting out and about doesn't have to do with catching germs, getting in accident or getting lost. It is most certainly a fear of man. I am ashamed to admit that I am scared people won't like who I am, what I stand for, my parenting style, or my children. If I don't interact, I don't have to know if they like me or not. It is the easy way out.

I was challenged by a couple things this last year:

1. A Wednesday night gifts of the Spirit class taught by Pastor Jennings. I know that I am supposed to be using my gifts (both from the Spirit and those of my personality) for God's glory. I was very challenged while in the class that I was not fulfilling my mandate from God about reaching out to others and showing them His love. I don't think I necessarily have a spiritual gift in this area, but every Christian, as Pastor Jennings put it, has a duty in every area to reach out to those around us. How was I modeling any of Christ's love for others if I never spoke to them? Someone once said, "God will not command you to go where His grace doesn't follow".

2. My son Mac, is starting to become me. I know that "stranger danger" is a very real part of every toddler's life, however I started to see him transform from the gregarious 1-2 year old to a shy 2-3 year old. How much of this is normal and how much is an influence of my modelling, I will never know but I am working to model Christ for my children.

3. Our Moms and Tots group made "Blessing Bags" this winter. These bags were filled with soap, drinks, socks and various other things that homeless, or destitute might find useful or a blessing. Each of us took two and kept them in our car to give away. I hated looking at them every time I put my kids in their car seats. I wanted to forget them. But I forced myself to give them away-to roll down my window and hand them out to those I saw with cardboard signs on the side of the road. I did not begrudge them the bags, I just would rather have not done it myself because - again - it was someone I didn't know and a situation I couldn't control. My desire to avoid this act was shameful and honestly I still feel guilty about how long it took me to give those bags away. It was a moment I crawled to God and asked Him to help me grow in this area. I needed to change-immediately.

I have steadily worked farther out of my fear of man, but is by no means gone. From bringing meals to people in our church I don't know, to forging new friendships -God has been good and His grace has followed me.


But I still have work to do. In March my Mom's and Tots group passed around a sign up to bring some cheer to shut ins in our Brownsburg area. I felt I needed to sign up, but at the same time, I hoped there were many people who would sign up so there were fewer to go around. My impulse to write, "I'd love to go to a nursing home" was something I honestly regretted 15 minutes later.

This past Thursday we made cards, put together plates of (diabetic) muffins with verses and just hung out and chatted. I was assigned a nursing home with 6 (!) people to visit. (I just about died). When someone mentioned that visiting the elderly was best not done with small children, my heart even did a small trill of happiness - obviously I did my part and signed up, but I couldn't possibly be expected to do it now that I knew small children weren't the best, right? WRONG. When going up to our leader to confirm it was ok for me to have my kiddos with me, she said that it was (agh!). I was to leap out of my comfort zone Friday. I. DREADED. IT.

Friday came- and we arrived at the nursing home, signed in a began knocking on doors. the first couple of people weren't home and I did that internal struggle of "Do I knock louder, or go away". I knocked twice and decided to move on, but would come back at the end.

Making my way around the home and handing out goodies, I made a point to stop and chat with the residents as they wheeled by me and wanted to ooh and ahh at my kiddos. My shy Mac played peek a boo with them, while Maggie spit her little heart out. Both showed off their dimples. They charmed everyone. At the last apartment of the day, I was invited in by the elderly occupant. She said, she was excited she had left the heater on because now my kiddos wouldn't be cold (and man had she left it on!). We didn't chat for long, but we did talk about her triplets, twins and one singleton and how she was blessed to be a mom. She encouraged me (didn't she know I was there to encourage her!?) not to worry about struggles (as I was trying to keep Mac from climbing the couch) and that I just needed to love my kids the way Christ loves us. She also kept telling me that her furniture had survived 5 boys and one girl, so it would survive my 2 year old. She was a delight and asked me to come back.

I am not sure who enjoyed our rounds more, the random residents that stopped to chat in the hallway, the people who we gave goodies to, the nurses who couldn't believe I was there to see people I didn't know, or me and my children.

I am going back next month.

What potty training has taught me (Part 1):

My husband and I recently made the jump into potty training our oldest, Mac who is now 2 years and 2 months old. Falling into the "My child will be exceptional" parenting hole, we had tried several months before the birth of his baby sister Magpie, to no avail. He simply wasn't ready. 

We finally decided to start trying again when he came to me and told me he had to poop. I thought it meant, as it had in the past, that Mac had dirtied his diaper and was asking for a new one. Nope... no poop. I cautiously stuck him on the toilet. No tears! Before this point you would have thought I'd loped off the head of his favorite "woof woof" (a stuffed clifford dog) by the wailing that ensued when "potty" was even mentioned, much less actually sticking him on it. Needless to say there was great success this time.. poop and all. But I have learned some pretty significant lessons I am not even partially done with potty training. 

Lesson #1: Being a mom, or stay at home mom, comes with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. 

Now, I knew this before, but potty training has reaffirmed it in my mind. My husband has repeatedly said he was jealous of me being able to be there for every part of our children's growth and "firsts". I saw Mac take his first steps and Magpie roll for the first time. Sure, he saw them when he got home, but I was front line. However, he did mention this past weekend - as it was his first full time, all day potty watch experience- that perhaps there were drawbacks to being "front line" as well as all the perks. Cleaning up the piddle puddle that surrounds the toilet has replaced changing Mac's poopy diapers as the "Not me!" challenge of our marriage. (In case you didn't know, little boys miss more often then they score... *sigh*). 

So I get to see the first rolls, and jumps, words and wiggles but I also get to be the first to step in a wet puddle on the floor and have to guess what it might be (and fear for the worst while wishing for a haz-mat suit). I get the privilege of teaching patience to a two year old (um... right...) while praying for it myself. I run all day at full steam to feeling like a wet piece of laundry at the end of the day. I LOVE my time with my kids, while praying for Trav to get home so I can switch from "zone defense" to "one on one defense". I don't have to worry about public speaking anymore, but certainly don't get any private time to pee... So essentially the highest of highs and lowest of lows. 

Lesson #2: Be Prepared and Improvise!

I am an over-planner and over-packer by nature. My sister A is a planner just like me so I maintain that it is NOT my fault, but that of genetics. However, I didn't realize until becoming a mom, and this newest potty endeavor, that I didn't just need to have a back-up plan, but I needed to have it prepped and ready by the time someone crawled out of his bed and shouted "potty!" at 7am. 

An improvisation: 

So Travis isn't a huge fan of this (tacky looking but effective is how he describes it), but when the local hardware store has a faucet extender that costs $20... a clean plastic juice container works for right now. I adapted something I saw on pinterest (another addiction) and this works. Now Mac can reach the water without me having to hold him. Although he can't currently turn the water on and off... but that is a blessing right and NOT a bad thing :-).

Preparation: 

1. A basket of clean underwear for him to choose his next pair while doing his jobs on the toilet. For some reason he is under the impression (perhaps from the first day with so many accidents) that he must change his underwear every time he pees... I will not disabuse him of the notion now, but at some point the laundry must stop :-). But he does love to decide if he will wear "Rawrs" (toddler translation: dinosaurs), Buzz, Woody, Star Wars or the many other fun images on his underpants. 

2. Little potty: Currently being used as a stool - but very important for the washing of hands, climbing onto the potty ect... . 

3. Books, and songs and whatever. There are times that Mac decides he is going to potty just enough that he won't explode for the next 30 minutes and then wants to hop off. Being a mommy (and having cleaned up too much pee at 31.5 minutes) I have learned that he needs to stay until his bladder is empty. This is extremely hard when Elmo is on... So reading him books, sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" or whatever it takes to keep him "loose" is now my main goal... It has also helped me develop a greater appreciation for moms of older toddlers, how do they EVER get ANYWHERE on time?!

4. Best invention ever is the two in one potty seat. It has a kiddy seat that stays magnetically attached to the lid unless you need it. Mac wouldn't use the potty chair and the ring thing we got him was too unstable on the toilet... this is wonderful! And since we will have small bottoms for years... a decent investment though they are slightly pricey for toilet seats at $36... but not enough to scare us away! 

 

I know I have learned much more than just these things, but since Mac is wrestling his Clifford dog in his room, I am guessing nap time is over and I must end, though I will add more later. 

Ah, the blessing and curse of a house filled with noise. But then again, I wouldn't want it any other way. 

 

Lunch at the park

 Giggling at little sister.

 Playing footsie... well basically stepping on her foot. He is learning how to distinguish the difference between playing with Daddy and playing with Maggie.

 Hugging Maggie after apologizing for stepping (twice) on her foot. We had to have a conversation about "playing" with people who aren't playing back.

Malachi is learning to kick a ball.

We met Hubby at his work and the drove to small park for lunch. Had a great time and only cost us gas. Malachi and Maggie also had a great time as well -

Hairbow Board

Ok, so I admit, it has been an entire year since I have written, ashamedly so. Well, hopefully that will change. Here is my first post back. We've had a little girl born into our family this May - Maggie. She's a beautiful little troublemaker already. I LOVE making bows for her and dressing her. I have had a problem, however, keeping the bows straight, finding headbands and keeping them organized but out of the hands of her enterprising older brother. A friend of mine made one for her daughter when Malachi was a wee one, and I decided I would make one for Maggie. Here's how I did it. (PS I am not sure why the photos are junky... hm...have to ask my Hubby about that...)

Supplies needed:
(1) Corkboard -without frame ( I used one that was roughly the size of a poster board)
(1) piece of fabrib (big enough to cover your corkboard and about two extra inches all around)
(4) lenghts of ribbon (long enough to stretch across your corkboard with 2 inches extra on both sides
(1) lighter
(1) Staple gun and staples (optional - you can just use a glue gun for it all)
(1) Glue Gun
(2) inches of sticky velcro
(6) 5" sections of ribbon - you can use fewer if you want fewer headband holders
(20) buttons (I used (8) simple 1/2" white buttons, (6) larger 1" (apprx) buttons and (6) 1/2" color buttons

Step One: 

 

Cover your corkboard in the fabric. I chose to forego sewing a hem and simply folded over the fabric and stapled it to the back of the corkboard. You can hot glue the fabric instead. I am the queen of overkill when it comes to tape, glue or anything adhesive as my family can attest to - so I chose to use both staples and glue. I dare that sucker to come undone. 

Step Two:

Stretch out the ribbon across the board leaving approx. 2 inches on each side. I measured about 4 inches from the top and between each ribbon and 5 inches from the bottom. Just space the ribbon evenly, measure from the bottom/top and make sure to mark the same distance on the other side of the board, this will make it easier to have straight ribbon. 

Step Three:

You are going to fasten the ribbon to the back of the board. First, make sure you singe the edges of the ribbons with a lighter or match. It will melt the ribbon and keep it from unravelling. Double the ribbon over and either staple or hot glue the ribbon to the board. Repeat this for each ribbon. 

Step Four: 

Get your simple white buttons: 

 

I added buttons to the ribbon in alternating patterns. Basically this was to disguise the hot glue where I reinforced the ribbon (and to remind me where it is when I clip barrettes on). This was done to keep the ribbon from sagging under the weight of the bows while still allowing the ribbon to come up from the board so that bows and barrettes can be clipped on.

Step five: 

I didn't have any big colorful buttons on hand, so I used some of my smaller ones, and then hot glued them to bigger white ones. I think attached a length of the 5" ribbon pieces to each one (make sure to singe the edges again to keep from fraying). 

I then cut the velcro into about 1/3" sections and stuck the soft portion on the board (six pieces approx 4 inches apart) and the rough side on the back of the button/ribbon combo.

I think hot glued the ribbon to the back of the board matching up where the button is velcroed to the front.  

Final step: Hang on the wall, and fill with hair accessories! Enjoy!

Day one: Baby step one from Flylady.com

So honestly, I find it very difficult to keep up on my house cleaning. i will clean all day for a day and then things come up and three days go by and the house is a disaster again. So I have decided to embark on the flylady.com baby steps. We shall see how it goes. It will be a challenge with my currently VERY clingy child. I am hoping this is becuase of him not feeling well, not because this is a stage he's going through. I love him very much. He doesn't want to be held, but if there is so much as a child gate separating us... he freaks out. Hm... I am still hopeful this is because he's had a double ear infection... though I have been told this is a very normal thing for his age.

Anyway.. baby step one - Shine your sink. Done. We shall see.

Birthday gifts, watch out kitty tails!!

So, Mac had a great first birthday party at Grammy and Papa Rutila's house with all his aunts auncles, second cousins, and great aunts and uncles, oh! and a great grandpa too boot. He has another party coming up for the Peacock side down in Myrtle Beach - so excited for the vacation BTW.

Me thinks that there might need to be a helmet purchased in the future... most likely with lots and lots of bandaids. I don't mind. I want my little boy to be a boy, and then a man. Plus if he falls (not that I want him to) its just another excuse to kiss on him :-).

PS - anyone know how to turn the video? grr...