My family can attest to the fact that I am NOT an outgoing, gregarious person to people that I don't know. I would refuse to go in a by milk by myself from the Piggly Wiggly in high school because it made me uncomfortable. I made a few close friends, but was never that kid that befriends everyone. To this day it takes a conscious effort for me to reach out and invite others to play dates, invite other moms out to eat lunch or shop, attend social parties, and just overall get out of my comfort zone and interact with those I don't know, or situations I can't control. I have been working very hard, since moving to my current hometown, to make friends, make play dates, and overall get over myself and my fear of man.
Fear of man? Yes. My issue with getting out and about doesn't have to do with catching germs, getting in accident or getting lost. It is most certainly a fear of man. I am ashamed to admit that I am scared people won't like who I am, what I stand for, my parenting style, or my children. If I don't interact, I don't have to know if they like me or not. It is the easy way out.
I was challenged by a couple things this last year:
1. A Wednesday night gifts of the Spirit class taught by Pastor Jennings. I know that I am supposed to be using my gifts (both from the Spirit and those of my personality) for God's glory. I was very challenged while in the class that I was not fulfilling my mandate from God about reaching out to others and showing them His love. I don't think I necessarily have a spiritual gift in this area, but every Christian, as Pastor Jennings put it, has a duty in every area to reach out to those around us. How was I modeling any of Christ's love for others if I never spoke to them? Someone once said, "God will not command you to go where His grace doesn't follow".
2. My son Mac, is starting to become me. I know that "stranger danger" is a very real part of every toddler's life, however I started to see him transform from the gregarious 1-2 year old to a shy 2-3 year old. How much of this is normal and how much is an influence of my modelling, I will never know but I am working to model Christ for my children.
3. Our Moms and Tots group made "Blessing Bags" this winter. These bags were filled with soap, drinks, socks and various other things that homeless, or destitute might find useful or a blessing. Each of us took two and kept them in our car to give away. I hated looking at them every time I put my kids in their car seats. I wanted to forget them. But I forced myself to give them away-to roll down my window and hand them out to those I saw with cardboard signs on the side of the road. I did not begrudge them the bags, I just would rather have not done it myself because - again - it was someone I didn't know and a situation I couldn't control. My desire to avoid this act was shameful and honestly I still feel guilty about how long it took me to give those bags away. It was a moment I crawled to God and asked Him to help me grow in this area. I needed to change-immediately.
I have steadily worked farther out of my fear of man, but is by no
means gone. From bringing meals to people in our church I don't know, to forging new
friendships -God has been good and His grace has followed me.
But I still have work to do. In March my Mom's and Tots group passed around a sign up to bring some cheer to shut ins in our Brownsburg area. I felt I needed to sign up, but at the same time, I hoped there were many people who would sign up so there were fewer to go around. My impulse to write, "I'd love to go to a nursing home" was something I honestly regretted 15 minutes later.
This past Thursday we made cards, put together plates of (diabetic) muffins with verses and just hung out and chatted. I was assigned a nursing home with 6 (!) people to visit. (I just about died). When someone mentioned that visiting the elderly was best not done with small children, my heart even did a small trill of happiness - obviously I did my part and signed up, but I couldn't possibly be expected to do it now that I knew small children weren't the best, right? WRONG. When going up to our leader to confirm it was ok for me to have my kiddos with me, she said that it was (agh!). I was to leap out of my comfort zone Friday. I. DREADED. IT.
Friday came- and we arrived at the nursing home, signed in a began knocking on doors. the first couple of people weren't home and I did that internal struggle of "Do I knock louder, or go away". I knocked twice and decided to move on, but would come back at the end.
Making my way around the home and handing out goodies, I made a point to stop and chat with the residents as they wheeled by me and wanted to ooh and ahh at my kiddos. My shy Mac played peek a boo with them, while Maggie spit her little heart out. Both showed off their dimples. They charmed everyone. At the last apartment of the day, I was invited in by the elderly occupant. She said, she was excited she had left the heater on because now my kiddos wouldn't be cold (and man had she left it on!). We didn't chat for long, but we did talk about her triplets, twins and one singleton and how she was blessed to be a mom. She encouraged me (didn't she know I was there to encourage her!?) not to worry about struggles (as I was trying to keep Mac from climbing the couch) and that I just needed to love my kids the way Christ loves us. She also kept telling me that her furniture had survived 5 boys and one girl, so it would survive my 2 year old. She was a delight and asked me to come back.
I am not sure who enjoyed our rounds more, the random residents that stopped to chat in the hallway, the people who we gave goodies to, the nurses who couldn't believe I was there to see people I didn't know, or me and my children.
I am going back next month.
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